


The Cost of Living | Tanaka Ryuunosuke/Reader

by ThisNoodleWrites



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Death, F/M, Fluff, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Mentions of Cancer, Reader-Insert, Romantic Soulmates, The angst is unreal, like seriously
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-02
Updated: 2021-02-02
Packaged: 2021-03-13 18:00:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 16,341
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29157774
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThisNoodleWrites/pseuds/ThisNoodleWrites
Summary: F/N had never wanted to meet her soulmate, there was no point in falling in love when you were dying. So why did it feel so nice to know him? Why was it nice to fall in love when you can't keep that feeling?
Relationships: Tanaka Ryuunosuke/Reader, Tanaka Ryuunosuke/You
Comments: 10
Kudos: 35





	1. Minor Warnings

Hi everyone! This story is going to be different to what I will normally post, I just got the idea of this and needed to do it.

This was going to be longer, but for the sake of my own sanity I kept it shorter.

I will warn you now, there are mentions of cancer throughout this as well as references to suicidal ideation/attempted suicide, as well as death. While I don't go into too much detail about it all I'd figure I'd warn you now rather than later.

I apologise for any mistakes in timelines, writing, or how the characters react. I am only on season 2 of Haikyuu but have subsequently fallen for every character (with the exception of Oikawa).

Anyway, on with the story, thank you for reading, I hope you enjoy it.

Noodle xx


	2. Chapter 1

There were few things you could agree were a social construct; time and society, law and government. Love. It should have been sad to you, but love had never been a big part of your life anyway. You were used to it at this point. Even the idea that your soulmate was out there didn’t spark any joy in your heart, it was just one more person you would disappoint when the inevitable happened.

You were dying. Your body slowly tearing itself apart from the inside out and there was nothing anyone could do about it. 

When you were six, you started to lose weight, fevers were an all too common occurrence for you. The doctors just said it was because of some illness or infection. Not as if there was much else they could say. You were still young. Everything you were experiencing should have been normal. You lived on medications and treatments that never quite did the job until you were eleven.

Your family had managed to find a doctor who had some answers for you in Miyagi Prefecture; so you moved, any friends you did have abandoned to the wind.

That doctor had all the answers to what you’d been going through for the past five years, he was amazed you’d managed to live this long considering the sheer amount of cancer in you; chemotherapy for another three years had slowly pulled you into a shell of what you once were. Though the cancer wasn’t getting worse, you weren’t getting better.

It was almost funny.

By the time you were fifteen, you lived full time at the hospital; you weren’t sad that you’d missed out on school experiences, you can’t miss what you’d never had to begin with. Anemia managed to keep you inside, although that was your own fear of fainting that didn’t help.

You had no friends, your parents rarely visited you - when they did it only served to make you more depressed. Unlike most girls your age, you were in no hurry to find your elusive soulmate, those words on your wrist always felt more like a curse to you.

_She would look so pretty with hair._

You read them over again, stomach churning. They were words you heard far too often, some even going as far as to say that your beautiful features were going to waste in your frail body.

Walking through the hospital corridors was nothing new to you, it was a weak attempt at keeping your muscles strong enough to go on. Normally, you were attached to an IV, your main source of nutrition and hydration considering you could never keep anything down, at this point you’d given up on trying to eat unless it was necessary. Anything you did eat was bland with no texture.

You dragged your hand along the hall, tugging your dressing gown closer to your cold body. Nurses and doctors, patients and visitors. They all blurred into one if you focused hard enough.

Though you could never walk too far, you decided to take a surprising trip to the cafeteria. The thought of eating still made your stomach churn, but it had been too long since you’d smelled something other than hospital bleach.

Breathing shallow was now your special trait, you slunk down into a chair in the cafeteria, head resting on the table. It wasn’t fair. You wanted to be able to move without it taxing you but you didn’t seem to get that luxury.

It wasn’t even worth it. This place smelled just like every other place did; expectations crushed but unable to move, you waved your hand, hoping someone would come to your rescue.

A familiar chuckle called out from above you and you turned to see your head nurse, Kozuka Akiko, holding a sandwich and a canned drink. She set her food down in front of you before moving to get you a bottle of water. When she returned you’d managed to pull yourself up from your lying down position, still struggling for air.

“Feeling adventurous today, are we?” She settled down in front of you, opening her sandwich and pulling off a corner for you. “Here, it tastes really good.” You held back a disgusted look and placed the food into your mouth, she looked at you expectantly and you shrugged. It had little flavour to it, the only thing standing out was the piece of meat. She pulled a face at you and you laughed.

You chewed until it was basically mush, gulping down water along with it. “Not my fault nothing tastes good anymore.” You rested your head in your palm.

“I know, sweetheart, I know.” Unlike other people, she never showed pity in her eyes. She knew you were sick of pity. “Have you thought about going back to highschool? The big man says you’re getting better and might be able to go back and live out your second year.”

“What’s the point in going in when I can do everything online?” It was her turn to roll her eyes at you, tossing a piece of paper at your head.

“So you can go be a normal girl! Meet cute boys, make friends, do something other than mope around in your room.”

“I like moping.” Akiko laughed. Her laugh was nice and low, it was soothing, it was one of the few laughs you could actually handle. Everyone else seemed to be too loud. You buried your head back into the crook of your arm laying on the table.

“Really?” Sarcasm dripped from her tongue. “What a surprise.”

You both sat in a comfortable silence; it took you longer than you would willingly admit to regain your strength to move your body, and even then Akiko insisted on getting you a wheelchair for extra safety precautions. Dying is fun. You laughed to yourself, tracing your finger mindlessly on the table.

Your eyes wandered around the lost souls who sat in the waiting room, none of them particularly catching your attention. The only thing you always thought about on the days you managed to drag yourself down here was how long would they stay? A few hours was normally common according to your irrelevant research.

Akiko would always tell you it depended on the person, but you never seemed to be able to accept that answer. There had to be an average. You’d racked your brain about it - maybe she was right, there were too many factors, but that was where your insufferable boredom came into play.

You could spend weeks researching something so small just because you had so much spare time; it wasn’t unusual for Akiko to find you spurting out about a new and random topic that had sparked your interest, if she’d let you, you’d ramble for hours about it, though she’d normally stop you about halfway through and tell you how insane you sounded.

Her black hair swayed as she ran towards you with the wheelchair, bringing back the normalcy in your life that you craved. “Your carriage has arrived, my queen.”

“Pretty shitty carriage, not gonna lie.” You smiled but pulled yourself out of your chair before slinking down onto it, hand grabbing the pole that connected your IV.

“This is the best one I could find!” She whined at your ungratefulness - you didn't need to look at her, you could hear the smile in her voice. “Where would you even be without me?” She hummed, pushing you across the cafeteria.

You turned back and pointed near a plant pot, “probably over there.” She gently swatted your arm, pulling another laugh from you.

You slipped back into the comfortable silence, greeting those nurses who aided your research on long shifts and those who just briefly showed their faces for routine tests.

Ten meters in front of you sat a boy, he seemed to be waiting for someone outside of a room although he wasn’t paying much attention until you greeted another nurse; he looked up from his phone and whispered to himself just as you were rolled past, “she would look really pretty with hair.”

A pit of anger twisted in your stomach as your grip tightened on the arm rest. Akiko halted the journey and turned to face the boy. “Excuse me, but she is pretty without her hair, she doesn’t need someone like you degrading her over something she can’t help.” Ever acting like the mother figure, you could only sigh and turn around to face her.

“Akiko, leave it, it isn’t worth it.”

As the words slipped from your mouth, a burning sensation shot through your wrist. While you held back your vicious screams, the boy had no issue letting everyone know the sudden insufferable pain he was in. You watched as the words on your wrist went from a stark black to more scar-like. Akiko was at your side in an instant, watching with horror at the sudden transformation.

When the pain subsided you were breathless, still staring in shock at the mark. You slowly lifted your head to meet his eyes, he was in just as much shock as you, but his shock was quickly replaced with a bright grin. Absolutely fucking not, you stood out of the chair, walking as quickly as you could, which was barely a waddle at this point. You stopped a few feet ahead, out of breath already.

Akiko was still glued in shock until you crumbled down to the ground. “F/N!” She ran over and lifted you slowly.

“No.” You all but yelled as the boy ran to your side to help.

“Huh?” He pulled away, confused.

“No. No. No. No!” You pressed your back against the wall and rested your hands on your knees, trying to catch your breath. “I refuse. We are not soulmates. You never met me. This didn’t happen. Not now. Not ever.” You were desperate with your words, not giving him room to fight you.

“That just happened, right?” He whispered, tracing his finger over the newly formed scar. “You can’t fight it.”

“Watch me.” You grit your teeth and tried to stand straight, only to tumble back down again. You were so dizzy, the world was spinning, you wished to God you could run. That would make it all that much easier.

You never wanted to meet your soulmate, especially not now; a soulmate meant you actually had someone to lose if you left behind - Akiko being a close second, since she’d been around for so long - your parents were so worried they’d break you that they rarely visited. You had begged for that one in a million chance that you never met your soulmate. Yet there he was, kneeling in front of you, offering you his hand.

His eyes met Akiko’s who was still in a state of shock, although she was disgusted a second ago at his words, it shouldn’t have surprised her, you were never as angry at those words as she was. She smiled softly at the boy before moving to his side and offering to help you up. Begrudgingly, you took their hands and was pulled to your feet with ease.

“What’re you in here for?” He asked you, some surprise in his eyes at how light you were.

“I’m waiting to die.”

“F/N, could you at least not be so blunt about it?” Akiko sighed and rolled the wheelchair closer to you.

“Isn’t it fun? You find your soulmate and you find out she’s going to die, bet you wish you’d never met me now.” You looked away from him, dejected, trying to come up with something on the spot that would hurt him.

He just laughed. “I’ve been waiting to meet you since I could read.” He grinned wildly, grabbing the handles of your wheelchair without your permission, calling out to the person in the room he’d been waiting for before following Akiko back to your room. “What’s your last name, F/N?” He asked.

“Dead girl.” You responded.

“Mines Tanaka Ryuunosuke, but you can just call me Ryu.”

“I’d rather not.”

“Geez, you’re worse than Tsukishima.” He mumbled.

“I’d get used to it if I were you,” Akiko laughed, her initial anger long ago faded, “she doesn’t get much better than that, hm?” You shot her a glare.

“I’m a delight.” You huffed. At least when you were being pushed your body could rest, that was the only upside to it. Tanaka bombarded you with questions, most being answered by Akiko as you refused to even look at the bald man.

When you made it to your room you pulled yourself to your feet, opening the door and waltzing in. His eyes were in awe at your decorated hospital room. Fairy lights were strung over the bed using your two bookshelves as support. They were filled to the brim, any spares you had resting on the top; you had some pictures and drawings stuck to the wall, showcasing the few happy memories you had. Your F/C bed sheets were one of your favourite things despite their inability to keep you warm. There was a tray in the corner that had all your current medicines, a sad reminder that you were dying. Everything was neat and orderly, just how you liked it. Despite its simplicity, he was still impressed, and you couldn’t figure out why.

You heard him squeal behind you when he stepped inside, “I’m in a girls room. Noya is gonna go crazy when he hears about this.” He pulled out his phone and sent someone a text - probably Noya. “This is so cool, I bet your friends visit you all the time.” Akiko held back a laugh at the boy's enthusiasm.

Try as you might, you couldn’t help the fact your lips tugged downwards. He didn't say too much when the realisation dawned on him.

Akiko hummed a slight farewell as she left the room, letting the two of you finally talk in peace. You slumped down on your bed, he sat in the chair next to you, eyes focused on you with something that almost hurt.

He opened his mouth to speak but was stopped by his own ringtone; you motioned for him to take the call when he hesitated. For your own entertainment, he put it on loud speaker.

“You’re in a girls room! What does it look like? I need details. You better be treating her right.” His friend, probably Noya, yelled down the phone. In the background there were loud thuds, like he was playing a game with someone.

“I’m treating her just right… right?” He looked at you for confirmation.

“It could be worse.” You shrugged and lifted up your laptop, there was still school work you needed to do and you weren’t going to let the surprise discovery of your soulmate stop you.

Tanaka looked offended, pouting as Noya yelled at him about how to treat a woman correctly. A small headache threatened to raise in the back of your head. You stood again, closing the curtains so the sun didn't glare through as much. When the room was safely nestled in darkness, you switched on the fairy lights.

“Wait,” Noya paused his rant, “aren’t you at the hospital with Saeko? How did you meet a girl?” You had to give it to him, despite being annoying he was smart enough.

“I didn’t just meet any girl,” he announced proudly, “I met my soulmate.”

The screams that followed were enough to be worrying. You silently cursed him for telling people so soon, although it was quite the experience that you couldn’t really blame him; if you had had any friends, maybe you would have told them too.

After he hung up, you talked for a little while, not about a lot of things. He mainly owned the conversation, gloating about being on the volleyball team for his high school. You noted the sparkle in his eyes as he talked about his teammates and his games, it must be nice to have something to be so passionate about.

Just before he left, he exclaimed that he’d visit you as often as he could. You would have stumbled back if you were standing up, instead you just looked a mixture of concerned and annoyed.

“You don’t have to,” you said.

“Why wouldn’t I?” He asked, brows furrowing together.

“Because what’s the point in getting attached to me if I’m just going to die?” You clenched your fists.

He didn’t speak for a moment, trying to work out the right thing to say to you. Your eyes were glued on your bed sheets, like you couldn’t dare face him. “So, what? Were you just going to die sad and alone in your room?” He hissed, hands hitting his hips hard. “I’m not going to let you, damn, I’ll come visit you every day if I have to. Do you understand that?” Of course my soulmate wouldn’t take no for an answer, how would we ever get anything done if he bowed to my every word? You laughed at your thoughts and sighed.

“Fine.” Confusion washed over his face, ushering me to elaborate. “Fine, you can visit me.” The confusion was replaced with explicit joy and he wrapped his arms around you. Your body froze, almost melting into his warmth. It had been too long since someone had hugged you like you weren’t glass and it felt nice. Too nice.

With that you exchanged details with him and he ran out of the door, waving viciously at you. 

Even with the wave of joy, you couldn't help the uncertainty. Tanaka seemed like a nice guy, so sweet and loving, you didn’t want to break him or see him hurt over you; how were you supposed to prepare him for the fact you would actually die and there was nothing he could do to stop it? No amount of enthusiasm was going to help. Did he even really understand the capacity of what he had walked into?

You didn't want to think about it anymore. Your head hurt. Your body hurt. You just wanted to rest for a long time.

_Maybe it’ll be nice._


	3. Chapter 2

True to his word, Tanaka showed up as often as he possibly could. You’d fallen into a small schedule with him, wake up at 5:30 - as was your usual - and send him a good morning message. Stretch and try to keep your muscles active before greeting Akiko at the front desk. He’d reply when he woke up at 6. Every Monday, Wednesday and Saturday he came to visit you. Against your own will, you’d grown to like the visits and finally had something to look forward to. No matter how late his training played out, he made time for you. Even with his excitement, he hadn’t forced you to meet his friends yet, though he didn’t seem to understand your phrasing when you told him, “I just want to cause as little damage as possible.”

Every time he visited, you’d been done with the daily treatments but today was different. You were in the middle of a blood transfusion when he knocked on your door, Akiko was testing your blood pressure and called for him to enter.

His smile didn’t falter when he saw you sat with a bag of blood in place of your normal IV set up, instead he exclaimed how cool it looks.

“How does it look cool?” You asked, trying to hide your smile.

“Because it’s like you’re a vampire or something.” He pulled up a chair by your side and held your hand. “Does it feel weird though?” His eyes were transfixed on the tube in your arm.

“I don’t know what you mean, it just feels like-” you realised he couldn’t have known what it felt like, that having to do blood transfusions wasn’t a normal thing for every teen. “Okay, maybe it would feel weird for you.”

“How long do they take?” His blue eyes met yours, some worry trickled on his face.

“It depends. Normally about 3 hours, I don’t have to have them all too often and it eventually helps with the nausea.” You paused and felt the need to elaborate. “That means feeling like you’re-”

“I know what nausea means!” He yelled and pouted. Akiko chuckled and removed my arm cuff, standing and stretching her back.

“Everything is normal, I’ll be back in a bit to check again.” Her eyes moved to Tanaka who had taken to gloat about his volleyball practice. When he finally realised her staring at him he paused his rant, tilting his head like a lost puppy, “you come and get me if she says something’s wrong.” And with that she was gone, not before tossing a smirk over her shoulder at you. You responded by rolling your eyes but you doubt she saw it.

A sigh pulled itself from you and you looked at Tanaka, who still hadn’t released your hand. The two of you talked for a short while, it couldn’t have been more than 20 minutes before you realised something, “can you get my laptop for me?” He moved without hesitation bringing along with it the small tray you used for stability.

“Are we gonna watch a movie?” Excitement danced in his eyes so much that you almost wanted to say yes.

“Not tonight, I have school work to do.”

“Wait, you still do school work even if you’re dying? Don’t you get, like, a pass from that? If I was dying, I’d refuse to do school work.” You laughed at him, he said it so matter-of-factly that you couldn’t believe it.

“There is still a chance I could live, you know.”

“Oh! Look who’s being positive for once, does that mean you want to live? You want to live with me forever and ever.” There was that joy in his eyes again.

You just had to say it, “no, I take it back, I’m gonna die.” He pouted and lightly punched your arm. You hit him back as hard as you could, although it must have been like a feather to him, he held back his laughter and looked at you lovingly.

“You’re so mean.”

“Thank you.”

“That wasn’t a compliment.”

“It would have been at one point or another, so, I reiterate, thank you.” He rolled his eyes and leant back in the chair, lightly whistling.

A lightbulb shot up over his head and he stared at you again, “what school do you go to?”

“Karasuno, why?” You asked.

There was a light on his face that was soon shrouded by utter confusion, “I go to Karasuno! But, I’ve never seen you there before?” You shrugged.

“I went in for the first day but collapsed. That was in my first year though, so maybe I could handle it now, but there isn’t much point, is there?” He ran his thumb over the back of your hand sending shivers down your spine.

“You should come back in.” His voice was soft.

Now it was your turn to stare at him in disbelief. With him being around you’d thought of doing it, if not to just see him smile at you, but every time you just remembered the guilt and shame you felt fainting in front of people and told yourself it was better not to. Hearing him say that you should come back changed that thought, not for any special reason, just because you hadn’t thought it was something he even cared about.

“W-what?”

“You should come back in.” He repeated, his face even.

“I… I don’t know.” You pulled your hand away from his and sighed. “There's just so much that can go wrong and I don’t even know if I would be allowed to-” those were lies, as long as you were careful everything would be safe. The only issue would be getting to the school, but that could just be an afterthought for all you cared. You rubbed your knuckles together and felt your heart pound in your chest - this time it wasn’t because you felt dizzy or sick, but because you were nervous.

“I’ll be by your side the whole time, okay?” His gaze softened and that grin pulled back on his lips. “Besides, you’re probably in class 2-2 right?” You met his gaze again. How did he know? “Bingo, so you’re the mystery girl that everyone always talks about. I heard rumors about you collapsing but I didn't really listen to them; what’s the point in talking about you if you aren’t there to stand up for yourself? It’s disgusting really.” Tanaka’s brows furrowed together as he stared down at his hands, clenching them until his knuckles turned a stark white. “It just pisses me off.”

“I’d have no way to get to school, I certainly can’t walk there. I can barely walk to the toilet on my worst days, let alone to a school and then around it for a whole day.” You were just pulling up at excuses until a knot formed in your stomach. “And there’s the days I need an IV, what am I meant to do then? What if people ask me what’s wrong with me? Do I just tell them I’m dying?” You rambled on and on about what if’s and but’s until he put his hand on top of yours, soothing the panic that was so obviously burning throughout your body.

“I’ll push you there.” He said it with such confidence that you couldn’t believe it. This was the boy that hated getting up at 6, let alone having to get up earlier just to take you to school. Before you could protest he lifted his hand, “it’ll be good for my muscles.” He flexed quickly, pulling a small smile from you.

“I’ll talk to Akiko.”

“Talk to me about what?” She smirked from the doorway. You hadn’t actually expected her to show up now, especially since you hadn’t planned on talking to her about it, now you had to bite the metaphorical bullet.

“About F/N being about to come to school,” his eyes lit up at her smile and a gentle nod. She rounded the opposite side of the bed and slipped on your arm cuff, looking at you knowingly.

“You mean if she’d actually be able to do it?” She asked him, making sure we were all on the same page. Tanaka nodded, shaking in anticipation. Akiko wobbled her head side to side and stared in concentration at the gauge. “I’ve been telling her she could go back for a few weeks now, with enough safety precautions put in place she’d be fine. There is the issue of her getting there, but it seems like you already thought that through.” You cursed her. Of course she’d be the one to say you could go, and now you practically had no choice. She winked at him and he grinned again, looking at you expectantly.

You sighed. You could never say no to him, especially when he looked at you with such happy eyes. Even if you were going to die, you wanted him to at least enjoy his time with you - although you were still in debate about whether that was a good idea or not.

“Fine.” As the word slipped from your mouth, he jumped and punched the air, screaming in joy. You were taken aback by his sudden explosive energy, it was contagious even if you weren’t half as excited about it as he was.

When his joy subsided, he pulled out his phone and dialled a number. The tone rang out throughout the quiet hospital room until a click pulled to his attention. “Hello?” The voice, a man, called out to Tanaka.

“Oi, sensei, you remember that girl I was telling you about-” He talks about me? “- well, she’s ready to come back to school, and she just happens to be in my class.”

“That’s great, Tanaka, but why exactly did you call me?” The teacher didn’t sound upset, more confused at the sudden intrusion of his time.

“Because I need you to make sure she can stay by my side for the whole day.” You blushed, it was so demanding, almost possessive. You looked away from him, trying to keep your breathing steady as Akiko removed your arm cuff and gave you the thumbs up.

“I can check the schedules and see, what’s her name?” He asked, the sound of him shuffling around played loudly. Tanaka relayed your name and he typed it into a computer. “Oh, that’s the girl who fainted last year, if I’m correct.”

“You would be.” You let your presence known and he gasped, not expecting to hear from you.

“How’re you feeling lately? Your mother said it was unlikely you’d return to school, are you sure it’s safe?” Worry was present in the man’s voice; of course he had every right to worry, you were a ticking time bomb.

“I’m only doing this as a trial run, and because Tanaka is annoying.” Tanaka let out a disappointed noise but halted his mock aggression when he saw the playfulness that danced in you E/C eyes. “As long as I don’t push myself, then apparently I’ll be okay.” He mumbled something you couldn’t quite hear.

“When are you coming back?” The teacher asked.

“Tomorrow!” Tanaka said triumphantly.

“What?” You and the teacher exclaimed in synch. “Does she even have a uniform?” He asked as you said, “I don’t remember agreeing to that.” The slight anger on your face made Tanaka look ashamed.

“I just figured you could have a trial period of two days and see how you feel.” Your heart swelled at the realisation that he wasn’t just being a selfish asshole, he was actually trying to think about you.

“I do have a uniform, but I’d probably freeze to death. If you don’t mind, can I just wear the jacket?” You weren’t lying, there would never be enough clothes in the world to keep you warm, especially considering your consistent loss of weight left you without any fat to provide even a small amount of stability.

“I’m sure that’ll be fine.”

You worked out the semantics of actually going to school, Akiko chiming in with any necessary details that the school would need to know every so often. The mention of stairs made the pit in your stomach twist - if you thought walking on normal floors was hard, stairs were like a mountain. You could barely get halfway up before it felt like too much and you had to carefully slide back down. The four of you talked until your blood transfusion was complete, and then you ushered Tanaka away, telling him that he’d need to sleep if he was going to be up in time to get you.

Sleep didn’t come easy to you that night, which wasn’t a surprise considering you rarely slept well but it felt different; your nerves were acting up and you hated it.

When 5:30 hit, it felt like you’d been run over by a truck; every part of you ached, but the worst was your spine. Twisting in your bed caused you to hiss in pain. You dragged yourself up and out of bed towards your medicine cart; just as you made it to your destination, Chino Nagi, your nightly head nurse, walked in and smiled.

“Akiko told me you’re finally going to school.” In her hand was an old bag. You started to take your medicine as she explained the contents. Inside was, allegedly, food that would be safe for you to eat, bottles of water, and bottles of nutritious drinks that you could use if the idea of eating didn’t sound pleasing. There were also spare gloves and a hat. “That should be everything.” She nodded to herself.

“You’re acting like I’ve never been to school before.” You laughed, pulling on the white shirt and blazer that you had suggested you wear. On your legs were the thickest, warmest pyjama bottoms that you had. Thick, fluffy socks glided over your feet and made you hum with joy.

“Well, it has been over a year since you went in, and you aren’t going to be under our watch,” she giggled, wrapping a scarf around your neck and pulling you into a soft hug, “we’re just worried is all.”

“I’m probably not going to die, so you don’t need to worry,” she slapped your arm, she wasn’t as tolerant of your acceptance of death as Akiko was which never failed to make you laugh. The clock ticked closer to 6 and you slowly moved towards your bathroom, brushing your teeth and sighing.

“Does he have our numbers?” Nagi asked. You knew exactly who she was talking about, even if she’d never met Tanaka, nurses couldn’t help the chatter as their favourite inpatient had found her soulmate.

“I can give them to him soon.” You used mouthwash before going back into the room and wrapping a thick coat around you. From the bag you pulled out one of the nutritious drinks, deciding it was the one thing you could stomach to have for breakfast. Taking a few sips, your grateful body accepted it without any gagging; the taste was light, but enough to make you actually want to drink more. “Now, get out of here and come get me when he’s here.”

Nagi put her hands on her hips, mumbling to herself as she left the room.

You sat down in your wheelchair, tucking a thick blanket around your legs. The gloves were a nice touch and, to your delight, were your favourite colour. It didn’t take much longer for a gentle knock at the door before Tanaka walked in.

You’d seen him in his uniform plenty of times, but this somehow felt different, his eyes were extra groggy as he stretched and walked closer. “Morning.” His voice was slightly deeper than normal, a sleepy smile played at his lips.

“Good morning, you look nice.” He chuckled at you.

“And you look like a happy little pillow.” You rolled your eyes before placing your bag of food on your lap. He double-checked you had everything before grabbing the handles and pushing you out of the hospital room.

Nagi waved at you from the front desk as you were wheeled away.

The cold air outside made you hiss and grab the hat she’d packed for you, you were used to being cold, but this felt like a personal attack.

Tanaka didn't stop talking as he walked - you were silent, appreciating the new views you’d only seen from the hospital window, but also his voice. You weren’t too surprised when he said he had volleyball practice, and that if you wanted you could watch. It wasn’t like you had much choice, but you agreed to settle his heart.

The two of you arrived 10 minutes before 7, which he deemed a good thing since it would give you time to make it to the gym. “Does anything look familiar?”  
“Of course, I’m dying not stupid.” You retorted. Although one of the results of your specific case of dying happened to be memory loss you’d managed to maintain a pretty good memory. “It’s still really pretty.” You sighed and looked around. It was so empty, although you were here particularly early.

“You think this place is pretty?” He leant his face down close to yours, showing off his pure confusion. “It just looks like an ordinary school to me.”

“That’s because you only appreciate two things.” You paused, giving him a side glance before smirking, “volleyball and pretty girls.”

“Well, I’m lucky to have both of those things with me at the same time today.” He said, chuckling as a blush tickled your cheeks. You hid your face behind your bag and silently cursed him. “Score one for me.”

As he pushed you further, a loud voice you briefly recognised called out to him.

“Ryu!” The boy screamed, followed by quick footsteps.

“Noya!” Tanaka turned around and yelled back, opening his arms. You twisted around in your chair to see them embraced in a hug. _Why’re they acting like this is the first time in years they’ve seen each other?_

“I missed you yesterday, you were meant to go and eat with me!” Noya dropped to the floor, still not noticing you.

“Shit, sorry.” Tanaka rubbed the back of his neck and laughed before pointing his thumb at you, “I had to take care of a certain someone.” Noya followed the direction he was pointing before his mouth dropped open.

“She’s here?” Noya ran to your side and held out his hand to you, introducing himself, you followed the protocol and gave him your name. “Wow, she’s just as pretty as you said she was.” He was starry eyed.

“Yep!” Tanaka proclaimed proudly, grabbing back onto the handles of your chair and wheeling you the last few steps towards the gym. The doors were unlocked and wide open, the sound of balls hitting the ground made you flinch. Tanaka placed a hand on your shoulder and gently squeezed it, assuring you you would be alright.

When you approached the steps, they looked between one another to try and figure out how they would get you up them. As they reached to lift the chair you unraveled your legs from the blanket, slowly standing. There were few things you could emotionally handle, but having to be carried into the gym was not one of them.

“You don’t have to push yourself.” Tanaka was worried as you started to waddle up the steps.

“I’ll push you if you don’t get over here and hold my hand.” Each step caused pain to shoot through your body. He ran over and held onto you tightly, looking up to meet the eyes of his teammates as you stared at the ground in pure concentration.

Soon you were safely inside although still freezing; all eyes were on you. The group of boys bound over to you, introducing themselves with such excitement that you thought you might explode. How did they have so much energy?

Noya carefully placed your wheelchair close to the doors and Tanaka tried to walk you back over to it, but you assured him you were fine to stand a little. The two boys moved to get changed for practice, leaving you with wide eyes on you.

“How are you feeling?” The team captain, Daichi, asked you, almost sounding concerned.

“I feel tired and cold. So nothing new.” You shrugged and rubbed your gloved hands together.

“Are you going to actually come here full-time now or what?” A tall, blond boy, Tsukishima, tilted his head and looked down at you, almost amused.

“Depends.” You drew in a deep breath and removed your hat, the wool itching your skin. “If today and tomorrow go well, I’ll consider it, but everyday is a different day when you’re dying.”

A small, orange haired boy hadn’t taken his eyes off of you since you came in - scratch that, he hadn’t even blinked. A slight unease tugged at you and you glared at him. “Are you actually dying?”

The boys all chorused that he shouldn't say things like that, and that it was rude.

You cleared your throat, “in the grand scheme of things, we are all dying. But I guess you could say I am dying just a little faster than everyone else.” It was a simple explanation that made them grow silent. “I’m just trying to speedrun life, this is one of my checkpoints.” Tanaka snorted at your joke, wrapping a hand around your waist.

“You can’t even speedrun standing up, let alone life.” He teased you.

“Oh yeah?” You met his gaze, eyes growing wild.

“Yeah.”

With that you turned away from him, moving as fast as your body would allow you, you were maybe fifteen feet away before stopping and grinning over your shoulder. “How’s that for some speed?”

“Pretty pathetic.” Tsukishima pushed up his glasses, but he was smirking.

Tanaka raised his fist at the young boy as you stood laughing at them. They were definitely a unique bunch. Surprisingly, walking hadn’t knocked the air out of you, but it was laughing. You started coughing loudly, hands on your knees to stabilize yourself. “Lets you get you back to your chair, speed demon, before the police pull you over.” You would have been grateful for his help, but you wanted to tease him a second longer, turning and waddling away.

“They’ll have to catch me first.” He laughed and quickly scooped you up in his arms bridal style. It was definitely surprising, although you’d be lying if you said you hated the feeling. He was so warm despite only being in a t-shirt and shorts.

A man with bleach blond hair yawned and walked into the gym, humming in confusion at your wheelchair before he saw you in Tanaka’s arms.

“The infamous F/N, I assume.” He looked tired, some life sparking in his eyes as Tanaka strode around with pride.

“Infamous? Okay, what did you tell them about me?” You grumbled as he slipped you into your chair, wasting no time in wrapping you up warm.

“Just that we’re soulmates,” he tried to be nonchalant, but he wasn’t telling you the full truth.

You turned your head and glared at the group of boys, hoping that one of them would crack under the pressure, but they all whistled and turned away, a few of them getting back to practice as if you weren’t even there.

They all started practicing, relatively acting as if you sat watching them was completely normal. You met the two managers of the team with some hesitation; you knew that before you he was obsessed with Shimizu Kiyoko, you just hadn't expected her to be as gorgeous as she was. Her hair was the thing you were the most jealous of, you traced your hand over the scar on your wrist, tugging at your own heart.

“I bet all he does is talk about volleyball, you must be sick of it by now,” Kiyoko laughed softly, blocking a stray ball that had come shooting in your direction.

“Tryna put me in an early grave.” You laughed as Asahi’s face dropped, he came running up to you apologising profusely, but you laughed and waved him off. “I’m not actually, it was nice seeing him so happy about it, I actually did a bit of research.” You knew you both had different definitions of what a bit of research was, but that didn’t particularly matter to you.

It was safe to say she was shocked, but you didn’t talk much more after that about anything other than what the boys were all like.

When they were done, Tanaka rolled you towards your first class together, making sure to support you as you walked up the flight of stairs. You ignored the stares you were getting and took deep breaths. He offered to carry you again, but you grumbled and shoved his hands away from you, he chuckled in response.

No one really talked to you, other than a few of Tanaka’s classmates who were more than surprised to see you in class. For the most part, you just tried to focus. It was hard. Back in your room you could lose yourself in your studies, you didn’t have to worry about listening to how a teacher explained it, you could figure out how everything worked yourself.

You had to keep drinking the drinks that Nagi had packed you, whatever it was, it was working on keeping you stable. Tanaka often looked back over his shoulder at you, grinning wildly or pulling a concerned face, either way it made your heart swell.

This is so nice, you thought as he pushed you towards the gym for his practice, just imagine how sad he’s going to be when you die. You jolted at the sudden thought, body freezing. He didn’t react much to your movement, only humming softly.

As he practiced, you watched. Feeling content. When he was like this, he was so endearing, this was clearly his element. Being on the court was a part of him that you’d never understand but you’d learn to accept it with all the time you had, even if it meant being a cheerleader.

Between practicing some of the boys would come and talk to you, mainly Sugawara, Daichi, Asahi, and Tsukishima. From what you could tell, they were the more mature members of the group. That didn’t stop the pain pang through your heart when Tanaka almost looked jealous at you talking to them, but a soft smile assured him that you only had eyes for him, even if you still had your doubts about how good this turn of events was.

Being back in your hospital room at the end of the day felt almost relieving, that was until Tanaka left you, a hole in your heart almost made you call out to him. Beg him to stay.

Those doubting thoughts in your head made you stop and anxiously bite your cheek, staring out of the window at the courtyard. Your phone lit up and drew your attention back.

Tanaka: You did really good today

You smiled, thumbs dancing over the keys, trying to think of the best thing to say to him.

Tanaka: And I mean that, like really good

F/N: Thank you, do you think your friends liked me?

You bit at your nail, that pit of anxiousness never leaving your stomach. You’d never admit to him how scared he made you even though that would only make him love you harder, if you could even call it love. Just because destiny had forced you together doesn’t mean you had to be happy about it. That was the problem. You are happy about it no matter how much you tried to fight it.

Tanaka: like?! I think if we weren’t soulmates they’d try to snatch you up

You laughed at the idea that they might think of you like that; you weren’t as attractive as Tanaka might have you think, these past few months of consistent nausea had dragged your weight down. Your body never formed properly due to the constant medications and chemotherapy. Because of this you were sure that they wouldn’t have even thought of doing something like that.

F/N: Now I know you’re lying, I’m going to sleep, weirdo

Tanaka: you think I’m weird, speed demon?

You smiled and put the phone down, waddling over to your bed and curling up under the covers.


	4. Chapter 3

It had been a month since you started going to school consistently, it still felt weird, and some days it was harder than others, but you went for him. Of course, there were obligatory days you had to miss when routine tests came around, and even another blood transfusion, none of that mattered anymore.

You’d impressed his friends with your knowledge on volleyball, even if Tanaka quoted Akiko and called you insane for your insistent research.

Everything was going so well.

Until it wasn’t.

It was May 19th. Something felt off the entire day but you could never put your finger on it. Maybe you were dizzier than normal, and for that you were grateful for Tanaka’s inability to not take no for an answer as he pushed you around everywhere. The only thing you knew was a shot of pain zapped through your body and you passed out into blankness.

The last thing you heard was Tanaka calling out your name.

A sharp pain went through your head, voices around you that you couldn’t quite make out. The lights were on in your room, that much you did know. As you stirred, someone moved to your side and squeezed your hand. It wasn’t Tanaka, much to your dismay.

“Baby?” A woman’s voice whispered to you, stroking your hand. The wider your eyes opened, the blurrier things became; as things evened out, you made out your father talking to a doctor, Akiko was tapping her foot, eyes not leaving you. And the person holding your hand was your mother. “Oh God, you’re awake.” Tears poured from her eyes.

You removed your hand from hers, slowly sitting up against your mother’s wishes. She ushered you to lean your head back and relax, but there was only one person you wanted to see and he wasn’t in the room. “Ryu…” your voice was hoarse and they couldn’t make out what you said. Well, your parents couldn’t, but Akiko was quick to leave the room.

“Where is she going?” Your father growled, staring after Akiko.

“Sir, if you would listen to me, we need to run some tests-” The doctor’s voice became almost too distant.

It felt like hours had passed since Akiko had left the room, but your sense told you it hadn’t even been twenty minutes. Your mother was stroking the side of your face, trying to calm down your nerves. But it didn’t work. Why wasn’t he here?

“Where is he?” You managed to say, she looked at you like you had two heads and looked at your father.

“Dad’s right over there, sweetie,” her sad attempt at figuring out what you meant left you feeling empty.

“Ryu? Where’s Ryu?” Your eyes were glued to the door, anytime footsteps came down the hall your heartbeat picked up.

“Who- maybe you just need something to eat, I think you’re a little delusional right now.” She moved to grab you one of the nutritional drinks but you pushed it away. She stopped trying to force it on you.

Another few minutes passed and a hoard of footsteps were coming down the hall. Akiko was the first in the room, out of breath, her eyes met yours and she smiled, “he’s here now, honey.” She turned her head just as Tanaka ran into the room and straight to your side.

Your father briefly tried to stop him but stopped as you reached out your hand. Tanaka rushed to grab you, tears streaming down his face. You once again removed your hand from your mothers and wrapped it around his neck, stroking the back of his head and taking a deep breath.

“You smell gross…” you mumbled. He could only laugh at you, pulling away and kissing your forehead tenderly.

“You look gross.” He teased. You smiled softly at him; any emptiness you’d experienced without him here was filled.

“Speedrun.” He chuckled again, tears still flowing.

Your mother watched the interaction between you two, shocked at how soft you were being with another person - or maybe it was jealousy, but she stood too quickly, her chair scraping harshly on the floor.

“I need a moment.” She said, leaving the room with Akiko hot on her tail.

“I missed you, you know?” Tanaka said, thumb stroking your cheek. “You nearly put me in an early grave.”

“We can be in one together, it’s quite romantic.”

“I don’t think you know what romance is.”

“Romance me then, nasty boy.”

He laughed again. You were so happy to see his face again that you ignored the worry in his eyes and focused on how he squeezed your hand like he was scared to let you go.

The doctor eventually left the room, leaving you, your father, and Tanaka in a room together. Your father looked at you, less concerned than he should have been considering it was the first time he’d seen you smile in a long time. He sat in the chair that your mother had ran away from and cleared his throat.

You lolled your head to look at him, the smile not fading, “since when did my princess get a boyfriend?” He chuckled at the sudden blush on both of your cheeks.

“I have a secret, can you keep a secret?” You tried to whisper, but it just sounded like normal speech. He nodded and so did you. “I found my soulmate. And he smells really bad right now. I don’t think he knows what a shower is.”

Your father looked at Tanaka for confirmation and the younger boy showed off the words formed into scars; to say he was shocked would be an understatement, but you had always kept your thoughts hidden from him.

“How long have you known?” He asked, more at Tanaka than you, but you were still so dazed you could only close your eyes. The bright light of your room was causing your head to ache. Tanaka stood up, switching off the light.

“About three months now,” he sighed, shutting the curtains and switching on your fairy lights. You hummed your appreciation, how sweet he was to you to know that you needed that.

Your father looked around at your room again, noticing your school blazer hung up rather than boxed away like it had been the last time he visited. “She’s going to school?” It wasn’t a question, more of a confused statement.

“Yes,” Tanaka replied anyway, “she isn’t walking there, so you don’t have to worry, I’ve been taking her.” You just knew your father had shocked eyes planted on Tanaka, and that the boy would continue to pretend like he wasn’t getting stared out.

Your mothers heels against the hospital tiles meant her re-arrival. She joined your fathers side, probably throwing confused glances at Tanaka, who still hadn’t let go of your hand. Akiko must have explained everything to her, that was your guess at least.

“Is she happy?” Your mothers words came out more like breaths. Your eyes fluttered open again and you squeezed Tanaka’s hand.

“I feel happy.” You mumbled, watching as she looked down at you. Her cheeks were stained from her heavy tears, eyes puffy.

There was a silence that settled. When you’d dreamt of this moment, you’d thought only of the tension it would bring. Maybe that was because of the jealousy in your mothers eyes as you nuzzled happily into Tanaka’s tender caresses. Maybe it was because they knew you didn’t need to be treated like a child anymore. Behind closed doors you’d grown up into a young woman and they hadn’t even seen it happen.

“Tell me about your games.” You coaxed the boy into speaking, missing his voice beyond anything.

“How about you tell me how you’re feeling and then I’ll tell you how I’m feeling?” He said.

“I feel… sweaty. And in pain. And maybe tired-”

“You were in a mini-coma, how’re you so tired?”

“Because dying hurts the body and the mind, you wouldn’t understand that in your youth.” You teased him.

“I’m older than you.”

“I can tell.” He scrunched up his nose.

Your parents watched as you teased each other back and forth. Their loss for words was almost surprising. Normally, your mother would talk your ear off, although you’d rarely respond to her. You tilted your head and smiled at her.

Long after Tanaka had left, she stayed by your side. It felt like the first time you’d ever been close to your mother. To her surprise, you were the first one to speak up, “thank you.”

“What’re you thanking me for?” She almost sounded worried and you couldn’t help but laugh.

“For letting me see Ryu.” You reached over and grabbed her hand. Your heart still yearned for Tanaka to come back and see you, for him to hold your hand and stroke your cheek, but he needed rest. You couldn’t be selfish and deny him that.

“I mean, he is your soulmate, who am I if I stop you?” You laughed again. It was such a rare sound to her that she almost broke down in tears. “I’m just so happy you’re okay.”

“I think okay is a very loose term for what I am, you know?” She nodded slowly. Your humour never matched but that never stopped you from making those dark jokes.

“Does he…” she stopped herself, racking her brain for the right things to say before she looked up to meet your eyes. You seemed so distant in them, yet so alive, “does he make you happy?”

“He does. So much. I almost want to hate him for it.” She snorted at your honesty. “But I can’t… I look at his big, dumb face and I just feel so…”

“In love.” Your mother finished your sentence for you. “So, tell me about him.” And for the first time in years, you spewed your words onto your mother. Not stopping until you were sure you’d covered all your bases before talking about your friends. About volleyball. About school. About anything and everything until you couldn’t think of anything else to say. In that moment, your mother was finally content. Maybe her darling wouldn’t be so easily broken afterall, but that would never stop her from worrying about you.


	5. Chapter 4

When 5:30 came, you arose to the sound of your phone ringing. You grumbled and picked up the phone. It was Tanaka. “What’s up?” There was some worry in your voice, he’d never called you this early before so your worry was warranted.

“I just thought I’d let you know that we’re almost in Tokyo now.” He sounded so nonchalant, a soft buzz in the background and even the casual chatter among the teammates.

“Why’re you in Tokyo?” A sorrow dribbled into your voice, how long would he be gone for? You couldn’t stand being away from him for too long.

“Right, we are spending the week at a training camp with Nekoma and a couple of other teams to do practice matches.” Something tugged at your heart and you curled your body closer in on itself. All you could muster was a soft ‘Oh’ before he chuckled. “I miss you, you know?”

In the background, you heard Nishinoya pipe up, “is that F/N?” He was so loud it sent vibrations through your head and you held the phone.

“I miss you, too.” You sighed softly.

You broke out into a fit of coughs, each spasm causing your body to tense up more until your muscles ached. Akiko and Nagi burst into the room, looking at you with such a deep worry. You sat up and passed Akiko the phone, letting her talk to Tanaka while you sorted out your issues. Every fibre in your throat felt like it was burning up, lungs aching beyond recognition, tissue after tissue wasted, a mixture of mucus and blood splayed on your bed sheets and hands. Tears poured from your eyes and against your will.

Eventually it stopped, but not before it looked like a casual murder had happened all over you. Your eyes were wide in shock at the sight of the blood, Akiko and Nagi working quickly to strip down the bed and throw away the issues.

The phone was passed to you, Tanaka’s voice was so far away even as you held it next to your ear. You could barely make out the words he was saying, “are you okay?” A deep nestled worry dug its way through the phone, showering you in fear.

“I think so…” was all you could muster. Your voice is so hoarse.

“What happened?” He was trying not to panic, you could hear it, but nothing you could do would soothe him.

“Just a coughing fit… with a lot of blood.” You felt it better to tell him the truth instead of lie to him. You could only do so much to calm his worries, promises of this week's treatments that would provide some answers seemed to heed off his insistent questions, but even you weren’t sure you were going to like the answers.

Tanaka called and sent you pictures every day, almost every single hour. While he was having the time of his life, you were whirled through expensive treatments, tests, and trials to figure out what had happened to your body. The result you were the most worried for was the CT scan. Nothing good ever came from them.

Akiko tried her best to keep you in good spirits, but all efforts were in vain.

The night before you’d done the CT scan, you promised Tanaka you would call him if there was any bad news. You’d expected a new growth, or maybe even a new type. Something you could handle, something that a quick surgery or more chemo could fix.

As the doctor explained to your parents the results, you couldn’t help the vomit that ripped through you. Just a few months ago they’d told you that you had years to go, and that with your health the way it was you were in almost perfect condition.

So why now?

What had changed? Every second of your life was one risk after another, so what had been risky about living that was so different to every other day? Why did you have to be the one to suffer? Why were you born to die?

“- months is likely all she has left in her, if she’s lucky.” You tried to zone back into the conversation as your father pulled your mother into a tight hug. Their worst nightmares were coming true. They might actually lose you.

No one was surprised when you dragged yourself out of the room. Akiko stared at you with worried eyes - she was prepared for the worst too, but you breaking the news to her only made it hurt just that much more.

Seeing how she’d reacted, you didn’t have the heart to call Tanaka. Instead you sat in your room, thinking about last year. A few months before you started high school.

_You were sick of it. Every second you were one step closer to death and all you could think about was how much of a disappointment you were. You were the reason they’d had to leave behind family to come to Miyagi. You were the reason your parents worked long hours. You were the reason that everyone was in this mess. And yet the only person who seemed to blame you was you._

_Outside of your window was a girl and her boyfriend, he’d not long broken his arm and she was here to comfort him. He’d walked her around the courtyard, gently pushing back her hair and putting a rose behind her ear. He whispered something to her before swooping down to kiss her._

_Jealousy. Sick, venom-filled jealousy. She was so lucky without even realising it. Here you were, locked away, no friends to call your own, no boyfriend, no soulmate, no anything. Not that it mattered to you, or at least that’s what you’d say._

_The more people you held close to you, the more people you would destroy in your wake. You didn’t want to hurt anyone else; you’d hurt enough people as it is._

_Your body was aching more that day, and you’d collapsed again. They gave you the news that it wasn’t spreading, which should have been good news, but it’s attack was still vicious. There was nothing they could do now other than sit and wait._

_Decidedly, you were done with waiting, you sat in the bathtub, holding a small razor blade in your hand. If you were actually going to die, you wanted it to be done and over with now. You were sick of the pain. Sick of the humiliation. Sick._

_Who cares if your soulmate knows that you’d died? You were going to die anyway, so why would this make it worse? It would make it better. That way they’d never know the pain of loving a dead girl._

_As blood pooled in the bath you started to feel lighter._

_And then not._

_Your mother screamed. Of course, you were in shock but couldn’t say it, she wasn’t meant to be home for another few hours, and yet there she was, watching her daughter bleed out. She called the ambulance and you didn’t have the strength to stop her._

_When you got to the hospital, you were in critical condition - unbeknownst to you, this would be the start of your anemia, there would never be enough red blood cells for your body to take. It was selfish and greedy, and so were you._

_Somehow they’d managed to save you, only you never thanked them for it. If Akiko was right, you seemed more pissed and upset about it. She’d slowly try to remind you that there were good things to live for._

_Maybe you’d believe her one day._

_Today was not that day._

_You were officially signed in as an inpatient. Your every move was monitored and you hated it. You just wanted to be a normal person, but that one wish couldn’t even come true._

_Maybe it was that day you’d officially settled on the idea of never meeting your soulmate, even Akiko and Nagi were stressed by your uneasy presence, it would just be best if you were alone._

_The first day you started high school you decided to try and go in, the anemia hadn’t yet taken control of your life so it was worth a shot. You sat in the class, desperately trying to hide your lack of hair with a hat, but the teacher forced you to stand and remove it. Maybe it was the stress. Maybe it was how quickly you stood up. Maybe it was a combination of both. You collapsed again._

_You made the decision to stay home from school, doing all your work online was more bearable when you could work throughout the night. When you weren’t sucked into your work, you were wandering the halls, each day you ran out of breath faster, your lungs hurt just a little more. You were more drained._

_Akiko watched as you rarely interacted with others, only she was given the time of day, and even then she had to force it out of your mouth. When your mother visited, you were cold and harsh. You resented her for saving you, but you could never tell her that. How would she live knowing not only was her child going to die, but that she wanted to die?_

_It was almost too much for everyone involved._

_You weren’t quick to warm up to Akiko but when you did it was like she’d met a whole new person, you slowly started to push away your harsh exterior for everyone that wasn’t your parents. As Akiko insisted you live out a normal life you’d push against her, you were at odds on those days. Each time she’d ask you’d consider it for a second longer than before. But you couldn’t do it._

_When she asked you what type of person you thought your soulmate was, you would say that they were probably strong - that was so they could match your weakness. Akiko would say that you were strong, but you couldn’t see it. Not yet, at least._

_And then Tanaka appeared._

_At first he’d piss you off more than excite you, the more he visited the more you wanted to resist him, you wanted to be mad at him for appearing, but he never looked at you like you were broken and only like you were a hard puzzle. Maybe your pieces weren’t all there but that wasn’t going to stop him from framing you._

_You didn’t know when you stopped resisting him and started enjoying his company, but it hit you one evening as he was ranting about the new first years how much you… loved him? No. That couldn’t have been right. You didn’t want to believe that._

_Until he cried at you collapsing. That stung your heart more than you’d care to admit - you didn’t want to see him hurt over you, not now, not ever._


	6. Chapter 5

“You need to tell him.” Akiko pulled you from your thoughts. It had been a day since you found out the news and you hadn’t figured out how to tell him that you were dying a little faster than before; of course he’d been assuming that the news was good, how could he not? You hadn’t said otherwise.

“I know I do.” You stared aimlessly out of the window, the sun was starting to set, which means it would only be about an hour before he came back from his training camp. “I’m just scared.” You said softly, she pulled up a chair next to you and grabbed the hand that rested on your thigh.

“You have every right to be scared,” she matched your gaze out of the window, not like anything interesting was happening, “but he has the right to know.”

You sighed and dropped your head, “I know.” If it were anyone else saying it, you might have gotten mad at them, but you could never get mad at Akiko. She had a way to make you think sensibly without making you feel like a child.

Giving her a look, she left the room. Just as you were hesitating over his contact his name appeared on the screen along with the photo he’d forced you to take, his wide grin tugged at your heart and you let out a breath, answering him.

“Hi.” You were trying to keep your voice steady, hoping it came off like you were doing better than you were.

“We’ll be back soon, I can’t wait to see you.” An easy excitement in his voice normally would have hyped you up, now it was only serving to knock you down.

“Tanaka…” You called out to him softly, but he spoke over you.

“We ended up losing our last set, but it was so close, I wish you could have seen it. I hit the ball so hard and it was like whoosh and then bam!” Tears pricked in your eyes and you gripped tightly onto the bottom of your shirt.

“Tanaka.” Your voice was more clear this time.

“Oh! And Hinata and Kageyama finally managed to nail that new quick I was telling you about, it was so cool, the other guys didn’t even see it coming.” He rambled more. You tried calling out to him again, “and the coaches set up a barbeque for us! There was so much meat.” You could almost picture his mouth drooling.

“Ryu.” You tried not to yell, but he wouldn’t listen otherwise. His silence was enough to show you he was surprised, you hadn’t used his first name in front of him before, it always felt so strange. As the tears fell, you whimpered and fell down to your knees.

“F/N, what’s wrong?” There was his defensive nature.

You couldn’t stop the tears that fell, your voice was shaking as you tried to speak, “m-months… I have s… six months…” The silence spoke a thousand words. But you didn’t stop the explanation. “It- it’s so much worse,” you were hiccuping, coughing, and crying all at the same time. Anything you said came up garbled. And yet you still tried. “It spread… e-everywhere. I-I-I’m sorry, R… Ryu.”

The phone moved away from ear as he yelled, “sensei! Pick up the pace!” There was so much panic in his voice as he pulled it back, trying to soothe you, “hey, it’s going to be okay, are you listening to me?” You made a strange noise back that he took as confirmation. “We are going to make it through this, okay?” But you weren’t going to be okay. No amount of optimism could change anything.

And yet you still agreed with him. Maybe you wanted to be hopefully for once in your life, or maybe you were just being selfish with your time.

He talked to you the entire ride back home, coaxing you down from the ledge. You weren’t surprised when he practically yelled at his sister to bring him here; she didn’t fight him, making you think she’d heard the stories of you.

By the time he arrived you had curled up under the covers, your body was shaking. He didn’t move to sit in the chair, lifting up the blanket and shifting the weight. Your heart was pounding at this but you accepted his warmth and curled closer to his as he wrapped his arms around you and stroked the back of your head as you cried.

Nagi watched with his sister outside of the door, soft smiles on their lips.

For the first time, you didn’t have to deal with this alone.

Each soft swipe of his hand soothed a new part of you each time, letting your anxiety die down and focus on the feeling of his muscles under his shirt, of his surprisingly soft smell, of his lips softly kissing you across the forehead.

You don’t know what time you fell asleep, but you knew you weren’t in his arms when you woke up. You could have cried again until he appeared in the door with one of your drinks and some food for himself.

“Good morning,” he hummed and passed you the drink.

“Don’t you have practice today?” You sat up slowly, stretching your arms.

“I do, but Daichi let me have some time off to spend with you,” he grinned but it didn’t meet his eyes. You shook your head and grumbled.

“Nope, go practice, I’ll still be here when you come back.” You said and pushed his hands away from you. “I’m not going to die.” You couldn’t stop the words as they slipped out of your mouth, they were an all too common joke for you, but now it might not be a joke. Death was coming at you faster than you were comfortable, and there he was, staring down at his food, lips twisted downwards and face scrunched up. You quickly tried to rectify yourself, “I-I want to play volleyball.”

His head shot up at you, the sadness replaced by confusion. It wasn’t like you’d ever had a deep desire to play but you had to do something to keep his mind off of this sadness. Without allowing him a chance to question you, you pulled out a small book. Inside was everything you had wanted to do before you died. The list was endless. Some things were easier than others, some you’d written when you were too young to understand the reality you were living.

You flipped to the back few pages, these were written not long after you’d met Tanaka.

_I want to dance under the stars._

_I want to walk to school without needing my wheelchair._

_I want to go on a date with Ryu at his favourite restaurant._

_I want to play volleyball._

His eyes skimmed over the contents of the book, meeting your E/C eyes with a tilted head. You couldn’t help the giggle that escaped your lips. “I guess you could say this is my bucket list,” he seemed to understand, “maybe you could help me scratch a few off the list?”

With that, he finished off his breakfast, helping you pull on your coat. He was extra cautious when handling you, for all he knew, you could break right in front of him. He pulled up your wheelchair, but you glared at him and pointed to the second point on your list.

A soft smile brushed off his worries, “if I get tired, you can just carry me.” You shrugged and he eagerly scooped you up, spinning slowly until you were squealing with joy. A small coughing fit stopped him and he held you closer to his chest; Akiko burst in the room with panic on her face.

When she saw you were fine, she let out a breath, “where are you two love birds off to?”

“I’m bringing her to practice with me, since she wants to do some bucket list.” He said, and you showed Akiko the book - she flipped through the pages, eyes warm with memories, tracing her finger over some of the ones crossed out.

“Are you going to take the chair?” She asked, not bothering to meet your eyes, you still shook your head.

“Nope, I can do it.” The confidence in your voice was unwavering even if your heart felt uneasy about the idea of walking.

“It’s a long walk, are you sure?” She finally met your eyes.

“Don’t worry, Akiko, I got my knight in black shorts to keep me safe,” he lifted you higher with ease, grinning again. Your heart fluttered when he pulled you back to his chest, wasting no time in leaving the room and, subsequently, the hospital.

The wind was warmer today, making moving slightly more bearable. As you walked in harmony with each other the usual pain you felt grew slower than usual. You just wanted to bask in those moments, fingers intertwined. He was everything you’d ever wanted. Maybe that was why you stopped walking and turned him to face you; why you stroked his cheek with your thumb and stared at him lovingly; why you pulled his lips down to meet yours, no desperation, rush, just basking in everything that is him; why when he pulled away you whispered, “I love you.”

The light in his eyes made it worth it. When he lifted you by your waist and yelled with joy, your heart pounded. You spread your arms wide and wrapped them around his neck, nuzzling your forehead against his. If only moments like this could last forever.

He let you walk most of the way to the school, but as your legs wobbled and breath became more shallow, he scooped you back in his arms. His pace was slow and steady, wanting to bask in the moment of you existing with him. You pointed harshly in front of you, “run.” You asked, no, it was more like a demand, he was too happy to oblige.

Laughter roared in the air, breaking the silence and warming your heart. The wind hitting against you had never felt so nice before. By the time you arrived, it was his turn to be out of breath. Of course he had recovered faster than you.

Daichi was surprised to see both of you appearing, but had no objections to Tanaka doing some practice if you were so sure about it. They were all more shocked that you had walked most of the way to the school; before serious practice began, you approached Ukai with a small glare. “I want to play volleyball.” You exclaimed. He almost jumped.

“What?” He asked, trying to make sure he heard you correctly.

“I want to play volleyball.” You repeat yourself as if it is the most normal thing for you to say.

Tanaka appeared behind you, arms crossed over his chest, staring at the coach, “is that even safe?” There was that worry in his voice.

You sighed heavily, scrunching up your face and yelling, “nothing I do is safe! Let me hit the goddamn balls before I hit-” Tanaka shot a hand over your mouth and laughed, pulling you back. You wanted to bite his hand and let the coach have it, but the older man snorted at your confidence.

All eyes were on you once again. The ones who were most worried were, of course, the third years.

“But what if we hit it too hard?” Daichi said.

“Oh God, I’ll end up breaking your arms, a-are you sure?” Asahi shivered.

“We can’t do it!” Sugawara shook his head and turned away from you.

“Then I’ll do it.” Tanaka shrugged. He’d be damned if he let you down and you were so grateful for that.

They all chorused their worries as you beamed at him.

Tanaka ignored their worried cries as he grabbed Kageyama and Tsukishima, giving them orders about what to do. You stared up at the group of third years who were, rightfully so, worried. “Are you sure you want to do this?” Daichi asked you.

“What’s the point of living if I don’t get to be happy?” You said; he knew you weren’t wrong, you’d long spent answering his questions about your time before Tanaka, even if it was mostly uneventful nonsense. “Six months.” You admitted.

Worried eyes locked on you as it slowly dawned on him what you meant, “Oh.” Was all he could muster.

“When it happens can you give him something from me?” He waited for you to pass him something but you just sighed and said you’d send it to him later. Curiosity was ever the burden, but he nodded and moved back towards the other third years.

Tanaka waved you over to him and you walked as fast as you could, “I still don’t know why I have to be the one to do this.” Tsukishima sighed and pushed up his glasses, turning to face you. You tilted your head at the trio.

“I’ll pass to Kageyama,” Tanaka started to explain, “then he’ll toss to you.”

“How am I supposed to hit the ball over the net?” It should have been obvious, but you asked anyway.

“He’s going to make me pick you up, if that’s okay.” He looked more worried that he would hurt you than anything.

“Sure, it’d be nice to be tall for once.”

Kageyama told Tsuki where to stand and the taller boy hesitantly lifted you by your waist, only flinching when you squealed at the sudden height. He lifted you until you were sitting on top of his shoulders, eyes barely over the net. Hitoka squealed when she saw you, but she screamed louder when Tanaka served a ball to Kageyama, who tossed to you perfectly and there was an eruption of joy as you meekly hit it over the net. Noya even feigned a receive, exclaiming, “wow, you’re too good at this!”

You rolled your eyes at him and looked back at Tanaka proudly. He’d taken off his shirt and had started spinning it over his head. Tsuki looked up at you, eyes practically begging you to let him put you down. You ruffled his hair and motioned for him to put you down.

“How did that feel?” Tanaka asked you, wrapping his arms around you possessively.

“Like I can kick your ass in any game.” You teased him.

They let you play a little longer, taking turns to lift you up and let you hit the ball; you tossed, spiked, served, none of which were extraordinary, yet the smile on their faces as you came out of the other side okay each time was worth the mild embarrassment. For your final request, you’d asked them to help you receive a ball. They bickered about who would be the best to serve to you while Noya gave you some tips about standing.

Your eyes were squeezed shut, squatting slightly and arms held out in front of you. Kiyoko had gotten medkit ready just in case something were to happen. They settled on Asahi to be the one to serve to you since he had the best aim of them. His worry was painted on his face, such a softy despite his looks.

Silence washed over the court as the man prepared his serve to you. He whispered something you couldn’t make out as the sound of him hitting the ball echoed around. You flinched as you felt the air whoosh past your leg - he’d missed.

“Don’t mind.” Daichi patted his friend on the back and tossed him another ball.

Asahi whispered something again and served it, it was definitely softer this time, but the shock as it hit your arms and went flying in a direction knocked you down onto your back. They crowded around you as you lay with your head back, unmoving but still breathing.

“Fuck, I’m so sorry, so sorry, I didn’t think I hit it that hard.” Asahi cried.

“Is she bleeding?” Kiyoko managed to keep her cool.

“Do we need to call an ambulance?” Hitoka pulled out her phone.

“Are you okay baby?” Tanak caressed your cheek.

“Great, Asahi, you actually put her in an early grave.” Tsuki quipped, causing Asahi to cry louder.

You slowly opened your eyes, grinning and laughing softly. You lifted your arms up to see the red mark on them and looked at Tanaka proudly. “I did it.”

He rolled his eyes and lifted you up. Asahi begged for your forgiveness but you refused to accept his apologies.

Eventually they went back to their practices. Your lungs burnt from all of the action but it felt so worth it, Hitoka offered you bottles of water whenever you’d finished one and you couldn’t help but feel happy at her worry.

When they were done, the sun had set long ago which you were surprised at. It was mid Summer, so the darkness surprised you, but you shook the thoughts from your head and sighed. Tanaka wasted no time in scooping you up in his arms - most of the journey there had been downhill which meant the opposite for your journey back.

You hummed at his warmth as you waved goodbye to his teammates. There was no need to fill the silence, his heart beating steady was enough for you. Yet he stopped and looked down at you, you met his eyes curiously and he smiled. “Dance under the stars?” He questioned, putting you down carefully. He wrapped his arms around your waist and lifted you up so you were facing him this time, your legs dangling in the wind.

He carefully twisted and turned, dipping you ever so softly, your mind moved at a thousand thoughts a second. How you reminisced about your jealousy at the girl in the courtyard, if you could tell that version of yourself that you would meet your soulmate and come to love him so she’d never believe you; you were someone special, you were the girl in the courtyard.

He kissed your cheeks softly, wrapping your legs around his waist for extra support. Your foreheads pressed together left you with only his eyes to look at, how you loved his eyes. Filled with so much emotion that it could be overwhelming.

Wrapped around him, he walked you back to the hospital, your nose pressed to his neck and making sure you never forgot his smell. Right now, he was a little sweaty, but it smelled so good that you couldn’t help the smile that tugged at your lips.

You yawned and squeezed him tighter. Wishing, hoping, begging that this moment would never end.

For the next two weeks Tanaka spent every spare moment helping you tick things off of your list. You met his sister, officially, and she thanked you for how you’d made Tanaka become a better man. He took you on a date to his favourite restaurant, even if you ended up vomiting it all out at the end of the day, you assured him it was amazing. You went to a cat café; he had to drag you out of there before you adopted a brown kitten with the tiniest eyes because it just reminded you of him. You went on a picnic, to the movies, to karaoke. He even agreed to a dinner with you and your parents, even if he was anxious the entire time.

You weren’t afraid to live anymore, he made sure to let you know it was okay to have fun.


	7. Chapter 6

On August 4th, 2012, you passed away.

Tanaka received a call from your mother early in the morning, and he answered despite his own confusion only to be met with a crying woman on the other end. She exclaimed her apologies at him though he was still lost. It didn’t dawn on him what had happened until he looked down at the scar on his wrist - but it was no longer there.

Tears had burst from his eyes when he realised that you were gone. Saeko came in to see him crying over the phone, biting back his agonising screams. She didn’t need to ask what had happened, his anguish was enough of an explanation.

According to doctors you had passed in your sleep, your body finally finished fighting. It eased his mind to know you hadn’t suffered any but it wasn’t fair. You should have still been here, you should have had at least six months, why did you have to be taken away from him so early?

You were right, no amount of optimism could have prepared him for you being gone. It had destroyed him but he wouldn’t let it show.

The following week he performed in the Spring Interhigh Qualifying Round - he should have been more happy that he won, but had he really won if you weren’t by his side? He pictured your face in the crowd, cheering him on.

Noya recognised his pain and asked the boy about it; that was the final straw. His strong heart broke as he crumbled to the floor, opening up to his teammates about what had happened. They comforted him as best as they could, though words were never going to be enough to fix the hole you had left behind.

It took him so much energy to meet your mother at your home, the one you’d barely been able to inhabit. She couldn’t even look at him, instead guided him over to the small memorial spot where your picture smiled back at you. Not just one, but a few, throughout your years. His fingers lingered over the most recent, you were staring absentmindedly out of your window, the lack of expression wasn’t surprising. Your mother said it was a few weeks after you tried to take your own life, you were pissed at her, she’d hoped you would see this one day and realise that life was worth living.

The service for your funeral was small, the main cast being nurses and teammates, your parents felt so out of the place as they discussed things you did. How you played volleyball for the first time. How you were a light in their lives.

They’d used all the normal metaphors that you would have hated and Tanaka had to stop himself from yelling at the priest - it wasn’t his fault you were gone, it wasn’t even your fault.

A few days later, Daichi sent Tanaka the video you’d made for him. He couldn’t understand why a younger version of you was staring at the camera, but he didn’t hesitate pressing play.

“Hi soulmate!” Your younger version of yourself cheered and waved, placing the camera down and standing back to twirl. “You don’t know me yet, but my name is F/N L/N, I am 6! I live in Tokyo with my mom and my dad.” You put your finger to your chin, running off the screen to grab something. When you came back on, you were dragging a fat calico cat with you. Tanaka bit back his laughter. “This is Sakie, he doesn’t like me too much, but I love him!” You nuzzled your face against his. He swatted at your cheek and you dropped him with a squeal. Tanaka was surprised to watch you bounce back from the attack with a wide grin. “I don’t know what you mean by this thing,” you held up your wrist too close to the camera, but Tanaka knew the words that were there, “but I look very pretty with hair!”

“F/n? Honey, what’re you doing?” Your father chuckled in the background and you gave him the biggest smile you could.

“I’m talking to my soulmate.” You pointed your hand at the camera as if it were meant to be obvious.

“Well talk to your soulmate after dinner, okay?” You started to whine but the camera was shut off.

Replacing the younger version of you was a slightly older version, your hair was shorter and patchy, but that didn’t stop you smiling. “Hello soulmate!” You cheered. You were sitting on a hospital bed, not your current room, but something bitterly close to it. None of your furniture was in the room, not yet at least. “I’m sure you know who I am by now,” you tugged at your sleeve and sighed, “I just turned 11. Tomorrow, we’re moving down to Miyagi, apparently there’s a doctor that can help me” You looked unsure but brushed it off and smiled again. “I hope I’m not getting too far away from you, that would suck.”

“Still doing that soulmate thing, hmm?” Your mother walked into frame and pointed a finger at the camera, “you better take care of my baby girl, okay?” And with that she pounced on you, covering you in kisses.

Your hair was gone now, but there was still a light in your eyes. “Good morning, soulmate, I hope you like waking up early because I can never sleep.” _I always hated it, but I’d do it a thousand times if I could just hold you again._ He thought, biting back the tears. “I just turned 13, I can’t really go into school too much anymore, but I try!” You puffed out your cheeks and wobbled side to side. “Dad tried to make me watch sports the other day, I think it was volleyball? I have decided I hate volleyball-” Tanaka snorted, if only you could have seen yourself playing it, maybe you would think differently, “-I started a bucket list of things to do, some of them are with you! So… you better do them with me.” You shoved the ever familiar book in front of the camera and pointed at one of the lines. I want to find my soulmate. “You better show your face soon, it’s getting boring here.”

He didn’t know when his body had started to shake but he couldn’t stop it at this point. “Soulmate, I don’t think I should meet you anymore.” Your voice was so soft, you couldn’t even look at the camera let alone smile. You could have only been about 14 here but you looked so frail. Your cheeks were stained with tears - this time you sat in your room, trying to avoid the harsh light by staring at the wall. “They said I probably only have a few years left to live. I don’t want to hurt you.” You switched off the camera like that was anyway to say goodbye.

The next clip played and he was surprised to see you, sitting in your hospital room, a soft smile on your lips. “Hey Ryu,” your fairy lights twinkled above you, “my soulmate. God, that’s so weird to say now.” You chuckled.

He sighed, “I miss you…” It wasn’t like you could hear him.

“If you’re seeing this, then that means I did die and Daichi passed on my message. Make sure to thank him for me. I doubt I can do it myself.” Your joke came too harshly at his heart. Tears slipped down his cheeks as you opened your mouth to speak. “I never wanted to meet you, at least not for a long time, living had cost me my life before I even had a chance to thrive and I didn’t want to break your heart. I guess I did that already.”

“Break my heart… I’d rather you break my heart than leave me…” he was so weak, grip tightening on the phone.

“You made me happy, so this might just be my revenge.” You looked away, expression dropping, “I’m sorry, that was harsh.” You anxiously bit your lip and looked back at the camera. “I just wanted to say thank you, if you hadn't guessed, life was just a little shitty until you came along, then it was very shitty-” you snorted “- I’m sorry, again. You made my life better, so much better, it’s unfair that I was born to die. But maybe I made you happy.” He could only nod. “I love you, Ryu, more than I think I want you to know.”

“I love you too…” he curled up and pressed his phone to his chest, trying to feel you, even if you were so cold it only made him want to warm you up and protect you.

“Thank you, Ryu, for making me learn that life is worth living.” Someone knocked on your door, drawing away your attention.

“What’re you doing, speed demon?” Tanaka’s own voice called out through the phone. The light in your eyes was bright as he lifted up the camera, pointing it at himself and flexing his muscles.

“Oh God, are you getting skinnier?” You mocked shock and he looked at you offended. You turned the camera back to you and rolled your eyes, whispering into the microphone, “I wish I could still be with you.” before the camera shut off.

Tanaka would play that video every time he missed you so bad it hurt. He’d play it before he played games and before he went to sleep. He’d play it until he couldn’t stand it. Maybe he hadn’t managed to make you live, but he’d managed to make you happy. Maybe that was all that matters.

Maybe that made the cost of living worth it for you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry! Sorry if everything feels a little rushed, I'm planning on writing a longer version of it so you can get more insights into Reader and Tanaka's life and how they cooperated, but I think for now this is as good as it's going to get.
> 
> What did you think? Please don't hate me >_<
> 
> Noodle xx


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